I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
