I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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