I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Less talking, more tequila
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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