Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
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Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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