someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Everything about him screamed your future.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
