I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
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I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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