so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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