Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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