Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
