Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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