Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
