I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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