I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
