I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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