Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
