Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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