U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
