can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Someone came in the potted fern
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
