Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
