she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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