he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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