Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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