Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
