remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
