Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
