You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
