I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
