you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
