some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
