Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
