Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
