If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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