he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
