In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
