my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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