Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
