I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
