i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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