but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
