It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
