my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
