I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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