i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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