u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
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I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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