i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
