maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
