Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
