can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
