Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
