I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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