We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They should really pass out barf bags in church
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
