Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
