just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
