Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
