does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
